Happy Birthday My Sweet Angel

2/26/14

Dear Dakota,

Saying Happy Birthday to you should be said with joy and not a heavy heart. You should be ten years old today. Every year without you is tough, but some years are tougher than others Turning ten is one of those years. You should be entering the "pre-teen" years. Somehow that seems significant...

I look at Mason and Madisyn and cannot help but wonder....

What would you be like?

What would you look like?

What would you sound like?

Does the wondering ever stop?

How can it?

You are still such a huge part of our lives, yet you have not changed in ten years. You are still that precious baby I held in my arms on that horrible morning ten years ago. I remember the phone call at 2:00 am from your Dad, telling me the worst news I could possibly hear. "There is no heartbeat. She is gone." I remember thinking am I really awake? Did I hear him correctly? I must have misunderstood.... but I didn't I must be dreaming... but I wasn't...

I remember the car ride to the hospital. It was the longest ride in history with Aunty Raylene and Uncle Bill. We were silent as we drove in. We met all of your Grandparents there.

 

I remember seeing your parents for the first time before your mom went into delivery. the sadness on their faces was like no other that I have seen.

I remember hearing the most horrific sounds when she was in labor… The sound was that of insurmountable pain and agony of the reality of what was to come once she delivered you.

I remember seeing her after she delivered you. She showed you off with such love and pride. You were beautiful.

I remember the family around us.

I remember standing by the hospital window with you in my arms. I remember feeling the sun on my face and remember thinking... How can any of this be happening? It was a gorgeous day, almost Spring like. It seemed so perfect, yet it was so horrible..

I was holding my precious niece in my arms, for the first and the last time. I remember not ever wanting to let you go, but knowing I had to… I had to share you with everyone else that was there that loved you so much. We all needed to fill a lifetime with you, into a few hours….

There was so much love and sadness that day. I will never forget the pain we all felt from losing you. At times it is still so raw. Today is one of those times....... I know there will be other times that are just as hard, and other days that are not.

There is not one day that goes by that I don't think of you.

There is not one day that goes by that I don't miss you.

I love you yesterday, today and forever....

Happy Birthday my precious sweet angel….

 

Love

Auntie Francine

Happy New Year -2014

Happy New Year -2014

As I sit here on New Year’s Day, I think about the past year. WOW! What a year it has been. I also think  that in less than two weeks, it will be the 23^rd anniversary of when my mother died at the age of 48. For a LONG time, I thought that was my fate too, but now that I am a month away from my 49^th birthday, I realize how much time I wasted thinking that.  What I thought was going to be my last year on earth was one of my best ever!

 In October of 2012, I started an incredible journey and this past September, I became a Certified Professional Coach. It was a lot of work, but worth every second that I spent doing it. I met incredible people along the way and know that I will have some of them in my life for a long time.  I spent my 48^th birthday locked in a hotel due to a major blizzard with this group of wonderful people. It was ironic that for many years, I thought that 48 would be my last birthday and it ended up being a rebirth of sorts. A rebirth to a new me!  I actually had a fantastic year! I looked back at my gratitude journal from the past year and there was so much that I was grateful for.

Completing my Coaching certification was pretty big this year, but another huge event for me was the day I jumped out of a plane! Yup! If you had asked me a few years ago if I had any interest in doing this, my answer would have been an absolute NO! Something changed and I realized that if I could jump out of a plane that I could do anything!  Jumping out of the plane made me realize that the anticipation of the act is not the same as the act itself. How often do we get stressed about something then when we finally do it, it just isn’t that big of a deal. That is what jumping out of a plane was like. It solidified, what I had been learning over the past few years and that is to not sweat the details..

As I approach 49, which for a long time I didn’t think I would ever see, I have a new outlook and a new mindset. This isn’t the end…….it is only the beginning… Bring on 2014. I can’t wait to see what is in store this year!