Dear Dakota

My niece Dakota was born still on February 26, 2004

Often I write to her. While she is not here in the physical sense, she has always been here in spirit. I have learned so much from her short time with us... Each year, my sister's support group holds a memorial service and I submit my letter to Dakota.. This is the letter I will read this year.....

Dear Dakota,

You would have been eight soon. So much has changed. Yet so much is still the same. I have spent the years wondering what our lives would have been like if you were still here. I have wondered what you would have looked like and what your personality would be like.  I have wondered, How tight would you have wrapped mommy and daddy around your beautiful little fingers?  How tight would you have wrapped the rest of us?

I know you would have been beautiful on the outside. But there is no deeper beauty than the beauty that someone has on the inside. I know how beautiful you are on the inside because I saw a glimpse of perfection and grace when I held you in my arms.  I still remember that cold February morning as I held you in my arms. I remember standing in front of the hospital window as the sun was rising. It engulfed me as I stood there holding you. I remember how incredibly warm and comforting that it felt. I remember feeling bad that I was feeling such peace at such a sad time. I still believe the warmth and peace that I felt was your love.  That moment in time is forever in my soul. That one moment with you will be with me for the rest of my life.  I remember not wanting to walk away from the window, because once I did, I thought  you would be gone forever….. I was wrong, you have never left us.

Your short time with us brought more to us, than some can bring to us in a lifetime. The lessons I have learned from you cannot be taught in books. You have shown me what is important. You have taught me how precious life is. You have softened me. You have taught me that the “What ifs” in life don’t matter. They are only unanswered questions to uncertainty. You have taught me that what is important is the “what is”.  I have learned I cannot change the “What ifs”.  I have been learning to accept the “what is”. It is more comforting to accept what I know for sure than to always question what I may never know. 

For many years, I wondered what you would have been like? What would you have looked like?  I have started to realize it doesn’t matter. I would love you no matter what you looked like. I would love you no matter what your personality was like? I would love you no matter what your religious or political views were.  None of that matters.

What I know for sure, is that what matters is that brief period of time that you hugged my soul. I also know for sure that I will never let go.

Love Auntie Francine

xoxoxoxo

Texting with Garden Gloves on.......

Have you ever tried to go in one direction, but something keeps getting in your way and you do nothing about it?  Recently, I was weeding my flower beds when I received a text from a friend. I read her text and responded. It was difficult because I still had my garden gloves on. For some reason, I didn’t think it was necessary to remove them. Do you know how difficult it is to text with Garden Gloves on? I really thought I was typing the right letters. I knew what I intended to write, but the word “what” ended up as “wbat” and the word “important” ended up as “iomportamlt”. So as I typed, “you need to decide what’s important”, it got me thinking.. What is important and what roadblocks do we allow to keep getting in our way. I had a ten minute text conversation with Garden gloves on and kept getting frustrated that the letters that I intended to type were not coming out as I wanted… So take the gloves off, make it easy for yourself, I thought… but no, I kept them on and kept retyping or sending words spelled incorrectly. (FYI – I am a person that spell checks her texts. I don’t like abbreviated words or misspelled words)

So, why do I keep the gloves on? Why not take them off and make it easy for myself? Do I like the challenge? Am I just too lazy to take the gloves off and on? Or is that I want to pretend the gloves aren’t even there?  I think I want to pretend the obstacle isn’t there. Because once you acknowledge the obstacle, you have to do something about it.  I had to get the gardening done and still had to respond to the text. I ignored what was blocking me and chose to not deal with.  

So it got me thinking, what else do I let block me and why? I started a list. I answered these questions:

What do I want?

What blocks me?

How do I change it? 

Nothing on the list was shocking to me. I did notice that what blocks me the most is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of fear….  Fear seems to be my garden glove in life. I let it block me. I let it stop me.  

I received an e-mail recently from a new acquaintance. She had just parachuted out of a plane for the first time. One of her “aha moments” she listed in her e-mail was, “Things are rarely as scary as you imagine they will be.” So true, I thought.  It got me thinking of my vacation last winter. I tried new things. The first was that I went on a jet ski. Yes, I was like a little Granny when I started and I went very slow but after I felt comfortable, I picked up speed. I still didn’t do anything too radical, due to my fear of being thrown off into the ice cold ocean (which happened to my husband) but I did enjoy a little speed…  

The other thing I did was that I parasailed. Now that is something I never thought I would do. I am not a fan of heights, so between that and the fact that I was over the ocean, it was shocking to me that I did it.   I did both of these things and although I was scared to do both of them, in the end, neither was a scary as I thought it would be.

When I was on vacation it seemed much easier for me to take off my garden gloves. I didn’t let my fears block me from what I wanted to do.  I need to take off my garden gloves.  This will be work, but in the end, it will be worth it…..  

What are your garden gloves?

And are you ready to take them off?

What is the universe trying to tell me......

How often do we lose touch with people or just stop connecting….and why?  Social media makes it so easy for us to “connect”. With just a few clicks on a keyboard, we are connected. But is that really connecting? Since I joined Facebook, I have actually reconnected with a few friends and some family that I had lost contact with. But most of my Facebook "friends" are virtual and they lack substance.

Just this past week, I reconnected with a friend that I have known  almost 30 years, and I was the maid of honor in her wedding. She and her husband lived an hour away so most of the time when we got together, I would spend the weekends with them.  He and I were the night owls so we would hang out when she went to bed and watch bad late night television. I always remember having a good time with both of them. I also got to enjoy time with their friends and family. But, somewhere along the way we lost touch.  That was over ten years ago. Throughout the last few years, I would look for her on Facebook, to no avail. This past week, I drove by the location where her husband used to have a business. We had a lot of fun times there. I would go there after work and give haircuts to all of his mechanic friends. I can remember the Sunday afternoon that a few of us were there and he sliced his finger on a table saw and we spent an afternoon in the Emergency room. When I saw the old building this week, I thought I would try to see  if he was on Facebook and maybe I could connect with her through him. But….nothing. The I decided to try to find her again and this time I did... I “friended” her and sent her an e-mail.  

I asked myself, why did we lose touch? I can’t answer that, because I actually have no idea. Life got in the way? She had children. I was dating my husband. Not a good excuse, but the only one that I have ten years later.

I was excited when this past Wednesday she accepted my “friend request” and  responded to my e-mail. I told her that I would love to get together. I asked her how her kids and her husband were. She responded to me on Thursday and told me the kids were great, but that she and her husband had been separated for the last three years. That made me sad, but somehow I feel I knew something wasn’t right with them when I reached out to her. Maybe the universe was telling me to reach out to her. She gave me her phone number and I called her when I got out of work that day.  There was no answer, so I left her a message and I e-mailed her. I was anxious to reconnect and catch up on the last ten years.

When I got home from work on Friday night, there was an e-mail from her telling me that her husband had been killed in a car accident……..

I cannot stop thinking about her and her boys. I cannot stop thinking about the years that were wasted and for some reason that I am not even sure of. I cannot stop questioning what the universe is trying to tell me. I am wise enough to know that this is a  sign. The universe reconnected me with this friend the day before her husband died…..there is a reason for that.....but right now, I am not sure what that reason is or what the universe is trying to tell me.

Ø  Maybe the universe is showing me how important relationships are and that we cannot take them for granted.  All relationships take work and all parties need to want to work at it.  

Ø  Maybe the universe is showing me how precious life is.

Ø  Maybe the universe wants me to realize how short life is and that I need to respect and nurture it.

Ø  Maybe the universe knew my friend was going to need support now and brought us back together.

Ø  Maybe the universe has a different plan altogether and I will never know what it is.....

I have been saddened all day at the loss she is experiencing and the loss that I have allowed to occur. It is so easy to not work at relationships and let them end.  How often do we take the easy way out?

in memory of Tom.....

Butter flies for me??

So as I continue to read BFD (Blogging for Dummies) I realize I need a name for my blog.  …. First I need to figure out what my blog is about. I want it to be about life. But BFD suggests that you should be careful about what you write in your blog. People can be sensitive and once it is on the internet it is always there. So I think, how can I do what I want to do, without offending anyone… My husband says he doesn’t care what I write about him if I can make money at it… of course he says that now… 

Can I write about the trials and tribulations of the people at work? Can I write about the drama that I witness in life? Maybe if I protect the names of the innocent? Do I keep it strictly about me? Maybe I can blog about weight loss.. But that is old. I have been on a weight loss journey for over 15 years. I lost over 100 pounds (that accomplishment got me on one of THE last Oprah shows – (a story for another blog).  No, I don’t want to focus on weight loss. I want it to be about real situations and real people. As a society we are funny, complex and insane. That is really what I want to write about. 

Now, I need a name. I need to come up with a “catchy” name for my blog. This is when I don’t feel like I have any imagination.. But here goes….

 First thought: “Weighting for the write stuff” Cute play on words, but it is about weight.

Second thought: “Frankie’s thoughts”. My friend Maria that informed me that I am like Carrie from Sex and the City calls me Frankie. Cute, but doesn’t move me. So I write those two names on a piece of paper. I think about them and ponder. I don’t love either.  

I float around my pool on one of the last days of my vacation and I ask the universe what should the name of my blog be?  

Butterflies...... 

That  is what comes to me. 

I think, “Butter flies for me” 

It says it all. To me it has many meanings..  

When I was growing up, my Grandmother lived in a multi-family house. Her sister, my Great Aunt Maggie, lived on the first floor. When I would leave my Grandmother’s apartment, we would stop to say goodbye to Aunt Maggie. It was there that I would get a snack for the ride home…… a stick of butter!! Yup that is right, a stick of butter. (Hmmm and I wonder why I weighed 300 pounds). 

I keep repeating the name, “Butter flies for me”. It wasn’t until a few days later that I realized that I had seen a lot of butterflies over those few days.  

What is even more ironic, is that my family had a falling out with Aunt Maggie’s family thirty years ago and we just reconnected with them last month. None of us that are still around remember all the details of the fallout or think that it even matters at this point. It has just been a blessing to reconnect with family. We have been able to reconnect with Aunt Maggie’s two daughters, that were my mother’s cousins, the son of one sister and the daughter of another. We have another “reunion” this weekend. It has made me realize how important family is…

“OK Universe – I hear you”….again.  

Curious, I wanted to know what a butterfly symbolized. I logged on to Google and this is some of what I got: 

"Butterflies also symbolize: Resurrection, Transition, Celebration, Lightness, Time, Soul” 

“Imagine the whole of your life changing to such an extreme you are unrecognizable at the end of the transformation; keep our faith as we undergo transitions in our live” 

“It’s connection with the soul is rather fitting. We are all on a long journey of the soul. On this journey we encounter endless turns, shifts, and conditions that cause us to morph into ever-finer beings. At our soul-journey’s end we are inevitably changed – not at all the same as when we started on the path.”

“To take this analogy a step further, we can look again to the grace and eloquence of the butterfly and realize that our journey is our only guarantee. Our responsibility to make our way in faith, accept the change that comes, and emerge from our transitions as brilliantly as the butterfly.” 

“WOW!!”, I think to myself.. “That is me.” I am on a journey. A transition. I am a butterfly…….I read these descriptions of what a butterfly represents and realize that it is so fitting to the journey that I am on. I think in life we are ever evolving and transforming. Is there any explanation of a transformation better than that of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly? That is a beautiful physical transformation. I have already had a physical transformatin, I lost over 100 pounds. I have made the physical transformation, now I am on a spiritual transformation. I am looking to be the best me that I can be. One of the things that  I have learned is the need to slow down.. (not an easy thing to do and I still struggle with it), but I realize how important it is to my health, my mind and my wellness.  If I had not  been able to slow down, I would have never heard the voice tell me that I was a writer. I would not be typing my third blog entry. I think to myself – “Wow imagine what else the universe wants to tell me?” All that I have to do is have the ability to listen……

Blogging for Dummies

So step one in my journey into the world of blogging was to buy the book “Blogging for Dummies”. That should have been simple enough, right? 

Lesson number one: Blog stands for Web log. Ok that is something I did not know.  The other thing I didn't know is that I need followers.. I kinda like the sound of  that... Who doesn't want followers.. As long as I don't have to shave my head and sell flowers at the airport, sign me up.

There is a lot more techie stuff to this blogging than I expected. Blogging for Dummies has helped, but I am still not sure what an RSS feed is or what I need to do with it. I do know that I will not be hosting my blog on my own server. I think that is advanced blogging and I am  still enrolled in Blogging 101. I need to start slow and easy. The book tells me that I need to blog daily or at a minimum a few times a week. A good blogger spends approximately 10 hours a week blogging.  So I guess I need to figure out how to turn 24 hour days into 28 hour days or learn how to function on less sleep. Isn’t that something we all wish for? 

Something that is supposed to be fun is turning into another part time job. Ok, so currently, I work 55 hours a week at full time job, 5-10 hours a week, at my part time job as a hairdresser and now 10 hours for blogging.  No problem. ..

I guess if it is important to us, we make it happen.  How do we determine what is important to us. What brings us joy? Sometimes I think we get so stuck in the daily grind that we cannot break away to see the joy around us… If blogging brings me joy, I will find 10 hours a week…… 

We need to  find the time for the things that are important to us.

What is important to you?

My First Blog Entry.....

So As I was trying to decide what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, I found a women’s group to join. It was called “The Magic Parties”. When I first attended, I had no idea what to expect, but I knew  they were a great group of women and it was what I needed and what I was looking for. The program centers around making “your next bold move”. I agonized over what my bold move was going to be. Do I want to go back to school and become a Coach – sure, but that is not in the budget and Coaching is a tough career path. From what I have seen most of the coaches are self-employed and I am not sure that I want to be self-employed.  So for the last year, I have struggled with “what do I want to be when I grow up”?

So, at this year’s summer retreat, I decided, my “bold move” is determining my career path.  Am I in the right job? If not, what is the right job for me?  There are nine steps in this process. On step three of the nine steps, we had an exercise. It was to introduce yourself as your future self to another woman. “I’m a writer” screamed the little, but loud voice in my head. I am not sure, but I actually think I jumped, because the voice scared the crap out of me. I was expecting  to introduce myself with a new  job title but that is not what came out of this mouth.

A lot of what I have been learning is to listen to my inner voice.  I think most of us have so much noise in our heads, we don’t give ourselves that chance to listen.  So I guess I am going to be a writer. Now this is not something completely out of the blue for me. I have always enjoyed writing, but have not really had a chance to do it lately. And when I say lately, I mean years….Who has time?

I had dinner with a friend a month or so ago and we talked about writing and I decided I really wanted to start writing again. I pulled out some short stories that I had written and realized most of my writing was a third person journal of situations in my life.  I guess that is blogging….

So writing it is. I was intrigued by this little voice that wanted to be heard. I tossed the career “thing”  aside and went with “I am a writer”. As the day went on, I really believed that this was something I wanted to pursue. When I started thinking about writing a few months ago, I tried to think about what type of writing I wanted to do. I thought I wanted to do a “Sex and the City” style writing about life. I didn’t know if it would be in a magazine or a blog. Hell, I am not even really sure what a blog is. I do know that between my  job as a Manager and my part time job as a hairdresser and just life in general, I have enough stories that make people laugh and wondered, can I make a living at this or at least pick up a few extra bucks. Maybe I don’t quit my day job, but maybe I make some extra cash….

So the retreat continues and we have an exercise to pair up with someone. The exercise is active listening. Your partner is to listen without comment. This is a hard exercise, especially for someone like me that REALLY likes to talk. The person sitting across from me was a woman that I had met a few times, but did not know very well. She is a psychic, so that was cool. For some reason,  I was drawn to her for this exercise. So I went first. I explained to her that I started the day thinking my bold move was to find a career and out of nowhere this voice tells me I am a writer. She listens intently as I continue my story. Then she looked at me and said “you need to write comedy.” I was a little stunned.  Now keep in mind the exercise that we are doing requires her to be quiet. At best we are acquaintances, so I can’t say that  she has been in my company and thinks I am funny. This revelation of hers comes from a much higher place. We continue with the exercise and when we are done, she said it again – “You need to write comedy”.  Ok.. I hear that, although I am not sure what I am going to do with that.

I sit with what I have been given by the universe and wonder how many times before have I ignored the universe? Well I cannot do that anymore. So I am a writer and what I write has some comedic value. Ok, that might go back to the “Sex and the City” themed “something”… article, blog, whatever it is that I am still mulling around with.  So what is this blog thing? I need to figure this out.

I came home from the retreat and broke down and bought a new laptop. The one that I had was VERY old. A week passed and in a 24 hour period, the universe  sent me a few signs that I know I need to listen to. When I got back from the retreat, I searched online for info on writing. I “liked” a group on Facebook. One night when I got home, there was a post on FB, “How do Bloggers make money”. Interesting, I thought. I saved it. I will read it later…

The next day, I called my friend Maria to see how she was doing.  Her Father in law had just passed away. As we were talking, she asked me, “Has anyone ever told you that you are like Carrie from Sex and the City”. I laugh as I tried not to drive off the side of the road. “What?” I asked. “Are you saying you think I look like her?” (Because believe me – I do not!). She laughed, “No. Your personality and the way you tell a story.” She continued, “I was watching an episode over the weekend and you tell a story just like Carrie does.” Well if that wasn’t a sledgehammer across the head saying “Bitch – you had better be listening and do something with this.”

So here I am. I think this might be the first entry in a blog. But what the hell is a blog and how do I get these thoughts from MS word to being online and how the hell can I make money at this??? Or can I? Or is it just for fun? We’ll see….