The Gift

Wow!!

I feel like I was just given a gift. As you can see from my blog, I like to write. I bought my first computer because I wanted to write short stories and it was easier to type my thoughts than it was to write long hand. When I bought that PC, I did not even know how to use Windows. I could type whatever I wanted, but I had no idea how to save the document, so I had to teach myself. Well, I did learn how to save my documents and I  have folders of thoughts, ideas, journal entries and short stories. A few years ago I found a folder full of documents. They were all password protected. I tried everything I could think of to open them, but I could never figure out what the password was. These days I have pretty standard passwords based on my life now.  I need passwords that  I am going to easily remember. But I could not think of anything that was that constant in my life ten or thirteen years ago. So eventually I stopped trying to open the documents and haven’t thought about them in years…  

Tonight, I was looking for another document and stumbled upon the “forbidden” folder. So, I thought I would try to access some of the files. I entered a random password. That entry didn’t work. But the second one that I tried, did work. I was shocked when the document opened. Ironically it was the date of my mother’s death… Well I think someone wanted me to access these journals.  Thanks Mom!

I was blown away reading my own words. The first journal entry was the day of my first date with my husband, thirteen years ago. It is amazing to read your own thoughts and experience as if they are someone else’s. It was nice to remember some of the great times we had when we were dating. I wrote about friendships and family. We tend to always move forward and sometimes forget how we got to where we are.  As I read my own words, I remembered a lot of what had happened. But to just think about these experiences, I probably would not have remembered them, because I am sure at the time, I just took them for granted.  I only read a few of the entries and have many more to read. I know that this gift was given to me for a reason. Now I need to figure out what that reason is… 

Reading some of the experiences made me smile and think. It made me realize that while I have grown a lot over the last thirteen years, there are still a lot of areas that I still need to work on.

How often do you remember where you have been? How often are you given the opportunity to appreciate the experiences that have gotten you to where you are today? I feel like I was given an opportunity to look in the rear view mirror of the journey that I am on. In that mirror I am able to see a long road, but it made me aware of how I got to where I am today. How often do we forget our accomplishments and our struggles? It was nice to take a few minutes to appreciate my journey.  I can't wait to read more.....

It makes me appreciate and ponder……

Happy Birthday My Sweet Angel

Dear Dakota,

Today would have been your eighth birthday. Sometimes it is hard to believe that it has been eight years since you came into our world, and left our world. There isn’t a day that goes by that you are not thought of. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t realize the strength that you brought to me.

I recently saw an interview with Spiritual Teacher, Gary Zukav. He was speaking to a couple who had a set of twins. One of them died shortly after birth. His words spoke to me. He stated that “If you look at the baby as a personality who lived for a few days then encountered a tragic circumstance and died, then you are looking at it from the point of view of the personality. But if you look at this as a soul life and that all of us on earth that leave earth, leave when it chooses then you will have a different perspective.”

Over the years, I have realized that you were brought to us to teach us lessons.  Each one of us have learned the lessons that we need to, from you and we continue to as long as we are open to it. He continued to say,  “If you can look at the loss from this perspective, you will be able to see the gifts that this soul has offered to you during its short stay on the earth. You will reach a point that you are grateful that this soul chose to be with you for however short a time.” I thought that was so true. Although, I miss who you might have been. I have accepted what you were meant to teach me.

He continued, “If you cannot see this, you will live your life in anguish thinking of a tragedy that has occurred. You will see events and think of ‘what ifs’. If you look at the soul as voluntarily entering the earth school and voluntarily leaving it in order to be with you and to offer gifts then you will begin the process of appreciating and to be grateful for the power of the interaction that you had with the soul, and you will be able to receive the gifts that the soul came to this earth to give you. If you do not you will continually be turning away from those gifts. You will be denying the very wealth of wisdom and compassion that was offered to you by this soul.”

I was completely engrossed and wrote down every word that he said, because someone else was saying what it took me years to realize. I spent the first few years after you left, focusing on the “what ifs” and asking ”why?” Once I realized the “why?”, I was more at peace.  You had a purpose and a mission. Your short time on this earth was all that it took for you to do the work you were intended to do. It has taken my years to accept this and there are times I still want to play with my niece, but I appreciate the gifts that you have given me.

 You have taught me what is important:

 I rarely get upset sitting in traffic or waiting in long lines.

 I held an angel in my arms.

I have learned to focus on the positive and not the negative.

My niece died, but I held an angel in my arms.

You were so much more than a 3 lb 4 oz baby girl, you were an infinite soul…..

So today on what would have been your eighth birthday, I want to thank you for the gifts that you have given to me for the past eight years. I love you.  

Love,

Auntle Francine

My Forward Crossover

Crossovers are the way skaters move around corners and the ends of a rink. Mastering forward crossovers make a figure skater better and faster. 

Recently,  I went out to celebrate the holidays with co-workers. Part of the night turned into a “Team Building” exercise filled with  lots of laughs. We went Ice Skating. When this was first proposed, I thought it was a joke, but chose to play along. As the night got closer, I realized no one was joking. Uh oh-we are going skating! I have vague recollections of ice skating on a neighbor’s pond when I was a kid. I think I was probably ten. I am almost 47 now –Do the math..  That was a LONG time ago. My first reaction was I can’t do this, because I have a bad back and if I ever fell I would be screwed.

But then I thought – Don’t fall.

So we get to the ice skating rink and part of me was still hoping it was a joke, but as everyone laced their skates, the reality set in – it wasn’t a joke, we were doing this. I was doing this. Recently, I have been taking more chances. In the past, I would overanalyze a situation and in the end talk myself out of it. I have been working on not doing that. So far this year, I have jet skied, parasailed and now ice skating.  All new things to me, that scared the hell out of me. What I have learned from each experience is that everything “bad” I thought could happen - didn’t happen. So I am learning to take more chances.  I am learning to enjoy the journey and not focus on all the “what ifs?”

 So I rented my skates. They were bright white with not a scuff on them. I think I was the first one to ever wear them.  So after I laced them up, I stood up. Ok, I thought “still standing”.  Then I walked over to a co-worker. “Hey! Look at me. I didn’t fall” Now I know this is the easy part, but for me it was the first success of the night. We had to wait for the rink to open. As I looked around at everyone waiting, I realized that I was probably one of the few that did not know what the hell she was doing. Most of the others there were kids! Ugh I am going to be shown up by pre-teens. Then I changed my thought – “Who cares?”

Once they opened the rink, we walked to the ice and got on. Still standing. WOO HOO! I grab on to the side of the rink and realize I have no idea how the hell to skate. And I mean no idea how to move forward. So I start by just pulling myself by the edge and gliding. I think to myself, “This is going to take a long time to get around this rink”. One of my co-workers skated close to me. Finally I asked him to pull me around because I thought at this rate, I am getting nowhere. So he does that for a little while.  Then I attempt on my own, still holding on to the edge.  Every time I tried to let go, I got a little wobbly and felt I was going down.

Then my boss tried to show me what I needed to do. He was showing me how I had to push off on one skate and not “walk”, as I seemed to have been doing. He kept showing me and I just couldn’t get it. It was like my body just could not do what it was supposed to.  But I kept going around, still holding on to the side.  I was on the ice and I was participating even if it was at my own very slow speed…

As I was coming up to the end of my first time around (I think everyone else was at least 2 laps ahead of me),  there was a group of kids huddling around the side. “OH NO”, I thought what do I do, I can’t hold on to the side, if they are in my way. I can’t scream, “MOVE”, or can I? “Ok. You can do this”, I thought.  I pushed off and went around them. “Look no hands”. After I got around them, I quickly grabbed the side again. Phew. Safety!

My co-workers kept trying to explain how to skate and I just was not coordinated to do this, but then I found something that worked for me. I pushed with my left leg and led with my right. I got into a “groove”. But I realized I could not switch legs. I could not push off with right and glide with my left. This put a ton of pain and pressure on the left leg. No matter how I tried, I could not get coordinated to switch.  After a few more laps, I had to decide to get off the ice, because my knee was really bothering me.

So it got me thinking, “How often do we do the same thing in the same way even if it doesn’t suit us?” There are things in our lives that do not benefit us or can hurt us, yet we can’t or don’t change. I learned that the continued pressure on my left leg really hurt and because I could not change legs, I had change something else and that was to get off the ice. Now I would have much rather been able to switch legs, but I knew enough to choose another path that would not hurt me. Getting off the ice was the only option that would not hurt me.

How often do we stay on the same path in life even when it does not suit us or hurts us?  We keep old behaviors that can hurt us. We stay in jobs, marriages, friendships etc. that may not be good for us. I realized that when I could not change legs to stop the pain in my knee,  I still had to take an action that was good for me. That action was to get off the ice.  I think in the past I would have kept going because I cared what others thought instead of what was best for me.(who am I kidding – in the past I probably wouldn’t have even gotten on the ice) I had to make a conscious decision to do what was right. Even though I was having fun with my co-workers and didn’t want to be the first off the ice, I had to get off, because that really was what was best for me.

How often do we do the same thing because we worry about what others think? How often do we not do what is best for us just because others have an expectation? We need to have expectations for ourselves and not worry about others expectations of us.

I had a conversation with someone recently and I realized I am an all or nothing person. If I cannot do it all or know everything about what I need to do, then I tend to find excuse to not do it. Then she asked me, “How is that working for you?” Well I guess it’s not, because it is holding me back. So I decided that I need to change my behavior. This behavior left me out of a lot of experiences because I would talk myself out of them or try to do everything all at once and then decide that was too much. That one little question has made a big impact on me.

 Truth be told, I had no interest in skating. I hate winter. Therefore anything winter related does not appeal to me. But what I did want to enjoy was the experience. I wanted to share the laughs with my co-workers. I wanted to at least say I tried it. At no point could I skate without being near the edge, but who cares? I wasn’t there to train for the Olympics. I was there have an experience.

When I first got on the ice, I was concerned about what others thought of me. Then I realized I did not care, I was not there for any other reason other than to say I did not talk myself out of doing it. My co-workers encouraged me and said I did well. I can’t say I skated well, but what I did do well was – TRY!

As we left the rink, we passed two men that worked there. They both looked at me and said – “Good Job”.  I am sure they got a few chuckles watching the grown woman being shown up by a bunch of pre-teens, but I bet they also thought -  Good for her – she tried!

 I know that is what I thought!

 I still don't really know what a forward crossover is... But I mastered something that night that made me better.....

Dear Dakota

My niece Dakota was born still on February 26, 2004

Often I write to her. While she is not here in the physical sense, she has always been here in spirit. I have learned so much from her short time with us... Each year, my sister's support group holds a memorial service and I submit my letter to Dakota.. This is the letter I will read this year.....

Dear Dakota,

You would have been eight soon. So much has changed. Yet so much is still the same. I have spent the years wondering what our lives would have been like if you were still here. I have wondered what you would have looked like and what your personality would be like.  I have wondered, How tight would you have wrapped mommy and daddy around your beautiful little fingers?  How tight would you have wrapped the rest of us?

I know you would have been beautiful on the outside. But there is no deeper beauty than the beauty that someone has on the inside. I know how beautiful you are on the inside because I saw a glimpse of perfection and grace when I held you in my arms.  I still remember that cold February morning as I held you in my arms. I remember standing in front of the hospital window as the sun was rising. It engulfed me as I stood there holding you. I remember how incredibly warm and comforting that it felt. I remember feeling bad that I was feeling such peace at such a sad time. I still believe the warmth and peace that I felt was your love.  That moment in time is forever in my soul. That one moment with you will be with me for the rest of my life.  I remember not wanting to walk away from the window, because once I did, I thought  you would be gone forever….. I was wrong, you have never left us.

Your short time with us brought more to us, than some can bring to us in a lifetime. The lessons I have learned from you cannot be taught in books. You have shown me what is important. You have taught me how precious life is. You have softened me. You have taught me that the “What ifs” in life don’t matter. They are only unanswered questions to uncertainty. You have taught me that what is important is the “what is”.  I have learned I cannot change the “What ifs”.  I have been learning to accept the “what is”. It is more comforting to accept what I know for sure than to always question what I may never know. 

For many years, I wondered what you would have been like? What would you have looked like?  I have started to realize it doesn’t matter. I would love you no matter what you looked like. I would love you no matter what your personality was like? I would love you no matter what your religious or political views were.  None of that matters.

What I know for sure, is that what matters is that brief period of time that you hugged my soul. I also know for sure that I will never let go.

Love Auntie Francine

xoxoxoxo

Texting with Garden Gloves on.......

Have you ever tried to go in one direction, but something keeps getting in your way and you do nothing about it?  Recently, I was weeding my flower beds when I received a text from a friend. I read her text and responded. It was difficult because I still had my garden gloves on. For some reason, I didn’t think it was necessary to remove them. Do you know how difficult it is to text with Garden Gloves on? I really thought I was typing the right letters. I knew what I intended to write, but the word “what” ended up as “wbat” and the word “important” ended up as “iomportamlt”. So as I typed, “you need to decide what’s important”, it got me thinking.. What is important and what roadblocks do we allow to keep getting in our way. I had a ten minute text conversation with Garden gloves on and kept getting frustrated that the letters that I intended to type were not coming out as I wanted… So take the gloves off, make it easy for yourself, I thought… but no, I kept them on and kept retyping or sending words spelled incorrectly. (FYI – I am a person that spell checks her texts. I don’t like abbreviated words or misspelled words)

So, why do I keep the gloves on? Why not take them off and make it easy for myself? Do I like the challenge? Am I just too lazy to take the gloves off and on? Or is that I want to pretend the gloves aren’t even there?  I think I want to pretend the obstacle isn’t there. Because once you acknowledge the obstacle, you have to do something about it.  I had to get the gardening done and still had to respond to the text. I ignored what was blocking me and chose to not deal with.  

So it got me thinking, what else do I let block me and why? I started a list. I answered these questions:

What do I want?

What blocks me?

How do I change it? 

Nothing on the list was shocking to me. I did notice that what blocks me the most is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of fear….  Fear seems to be my garden glove in life. I let it block me. I let it stop me.  

I received an e-mail recently from a new acquaintance. She had just parachuted out of a plane for the first time. One of her “aha moments” she listed in her e-mail was, “Things are rarely as scary as you imagine they will be.” So true, I thought.  It got me thinking of my vacation last winter. I tried new things. The first was that I went on a jet ski. Yes, I was like a little Granny when I started and I went very slow but after I felt comfortable, I picked up speed. I still didn’t do anything too radical, due to my fear of being thrown off into the ice cold ocean (which happened to my husband) but I did enjoy a little speed…  

The other thing I did was that I parasailed. Now that is something I never thought I would do. I am not a fan of heights, so between that and the fact that I was over the ocean, it was shocking to me that I did it.   I did both of these things and although I was scared to do both of them, in the end, neither was a scary as I thought it would be.

When I was on vacation it seemed much easier for me to take off my garden gloves. I didn’t let my fears block me from what I wanted to do.  I need to take off my garden gloves.  This will be work, but in the end, it will be worth it…..  

What are your garden gloves?

And are you ready to take them off?

What is the universe trying to tell me......

How often do we lose touch with people or just stop connecting….and why?  Social media makes it so easy for us to “connect”. With just a few clicks on a keyboard, we are connected. But is that really connecting? Since I joined Facebook, I have actually reconnected with a few friends and some family that I had lost contact with. But most of my Facebook "friends" are virtual and they lack substance.

Just this past week, I reconnected with a friend that I have known  almost 30 years, and I was the maid of honor in her wedding. She and her husband lived an hour away so most of the time when we got together, I would spend the weekends with them.  He and I were the night owls so we would hang out when she went to bed and watch bad late night television. I always remember having a good time with both of them. I also got to enjoy time with their friends and family. But, somewhere along the way we lost touch.  That was over ten years ago. Throughout the last few years, I would look for her on Facebook, to no avail. This past week, I drove by the location where her husband used to have a business. We had a lot of fun times there. I would go there after work and give haircuts to all of his mechanic friends. I can remember the Sunday afternoon that a few of us were there and he sliced his finger on a table saw and we spent an afternoon in the Emergency room. When I saw the old building this week, I thought I would try to see  if he was on Facebook and maybe I could connect with her through him. But….nothing. The I decided to try to find her again and this time I did... I “friended” her and sent her an e-mail.  

I asked myself, why did we lose touch? I can’t answer that, because I actually have no idea. Life got in the way? She had children. I was dating my husband. Not a good excuse, but the only one that I have ten years later.

I was excited when this past Wednesday she accepted my “friend request” and  responded to my e-mail. I told her that I would love to get together. I asked her how her kids and her husband were. She responded to me on Thursday and told me the kids were great, but that she and her husband had been separated for the last three years. That made me sad, but somehow I feel I knew something wasn’t right with them when I reached out to her. Maybe the universe was telling me to reach out to her. She gave me her phone number and I called her when I got out of work that day.  There was no answer, so I left her a message and I e-mailed her. I was anxious to reconnect and catch up on the last ten years.

When I got home from work on Friday night, there was an e-mail from her telling me that her husband had been killed in a car accident……..

I cannot stop thinking about her and her boys. I cannot stop thinking about the years that were wasted and for some reason that I am not even sure of. I cannot stop questioning what the universe is trying to tell me. I am wise enough to know that this is a  sign. The universe reconnected me with this friend the day before her husband died…..there is a reason for that.....but right now, I am not sure what that reason is or what the universe is trying to tell me.

Ø  Maybe the universe is showing me how important relationships are and that we cannot take them for granted.  All relationships take work and all parties need to want to work at it.  

Ø  Maybe the universe is showing me how precious life is.

Ø  Maybe the universe wants me to realize how short life is and that I need to respect and nurture it.

Ø  Maybe the universe knew my friend was going to need support now and brought us back together.

Ø  Maybe the universe has a different plan altogether and I will never know what it is.....

I have been saddened all day at the loss she is experiencing and the loss that I have allowed to occur. It is so easy to not work at relationships and let them end.  How often do we take the easy way out?

in memory of Tom.....

Butter flies for me??

So as I continue to read BFD (Blogging for Dummies) I realize I need a name for my blog.  …. First I need to figure out what my blog is about. I want it to be about life. But BFD suggests that you should be careful about what you write in your blog. People can be sensitive and once it is on the internet it is always there. So I think, how can I do what I want to do, without offending anyone… My husband says he doesn’t care what I write about him if I can make money at it… of course he says that now… 

Can I write about the trials and tribulations of the people at work? Can I write about the drama that I witness in life? Maybe if I protect the names of the innocent? Do I keep it strictly about me? Maybe I can blog about weight loss.. But that is old. I have been on a weight loss journey for over 15 years. I lost over 100 pounds (that accomplishment got me on one of THE last Oprah shows – (a story for another blog).  No, I don’t want to focus on weight loss. I want it to be about real situations and real people. As a society we are funny, complex and insane. That is really what I want to write about. 

Now, I need a name. I need to come up with a “catchy” name for my blog. This is when I don’t feel like I have any imagination.. But here goes….

 First thought: “Weighting for the write stuff” Cute play on words, but it is about weight.

Second thought: “Frankie’s thoughts”. My friend Maria that informed me that I am like Carrie from Sex and the City calls me Frankie. Cute, but doesn’t move me. So I write those two names on a piece of paper. I think about them and ponder. I don’t love either.  

I float around my pool on one of the last days of my vacation and I ask the universe what should the name of my blog be?  

Butterflies...... 

That  is what comes to me. 

I think, “Butter flies for me” 

It says it all. To me it has many meanings..  

When I was growing up, my Grandmother lived in a multi-family house. Her sister, my Great Aunt Maggie, lived on the first floor. When I would leave my Grandmother’s apartment, we would stop to say goodbye to Aunt Maggie. It was there that I would get a snack for the ride home…… a stick of butter!! Yup that is right, a stick of butter. (Hmmm and I wonder why I weighed 300 pounds). 

I keep repeating the name, “Butter flies for me”. It wasn’t until a few days later that I realized that I had seen a lot of butterflies over those few days.  

What is even more ironic, is that my family had a falling out with Aunt Maggie’s family thirty years ago and we just reconnected with them last month. None of us that are still around remember all the details of the fallout or think that it even matters at this point. It has just been a blessing to reconnect with family. We have been able to reconnect with Aunt Maggie’s two daughters, that were my mother’s cousins, the son of one sister and the daughter of another. We have another “reunion” this weekend. It has made me realize how important family is…

“OK Universe – I hear you”….again.  

Curious, I wanted to know what a butterfly symbolized. I logged on to Google and this is some of what I got: 

"Butterflies also symbolize: Resurrection, Transition, Celebration, Lightness, Time, Soul” 

“Imagine the whole of your life changing to such an extreme you are unrecognizable at the end of the transformation; keep our faith as we undergo transitions in our live” 

“It’s connection with the soul is rather fitting. We are all on a long journey of the soul. On this journey we encounter endless turns, shifts, and conditions that cause us to morph into ever-finer beings. At our soul-journey’s end we are inevitably changed – not at all the same as when we started on the path.”

“To take this analogy a step further, we can look again to the grace and eloquence of the butterfly and realize that our journey is our only guarantee. Our responsibility to make our way in faith, accept the change that comes, and emerge from our transitions as brilliantly as the butterfly.” 

“WOW!!”, I think to myself.. “That is me.” I am on a journey. A transition. I am a butterfly…….I read these descriptions of what a butterfly represents and realize that it is so fitting to the journey that I am on. I think in life we are ever evolving and transforming. Is there any explanation of a transformation better than that of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly? That is a beautiful physical transformation. I have already had a physical transformatin, I lost over 100 pounds. I have made the physical transformation, now I am on a spiritual transformation. I am looking to be the best me that I can be. One of the things that  I have learned is the need to slow down.. (not an easy thing to do and I still struggle with it), but I realize how important it is to my health, my mind and my wellness.  If I had not  been able to slow down, I would have never heard the voice tell me that I was a writer. I would not be typing my third blog entry. I think to myself – “Wow imagine what else the universe wants to tell me?” All that I have to do is have the ability to listen……